tristitia
by ThatMaddyBee
Summary: And as she looked into his blank eyes, her world exploded.


_Tristitia_

When in grief, some people say they go numb.

She would give anything to be one of those people.

The pain was raw and jagged, sharper than a knife and hotter than fire as it burned her from the inside out. Her lungs were aching with the effort that it took just to breathe. Her eyes were clenched shut because she couldn't look at him. She couldn't look into his cold, dead eyes because she couldn't handle the finality. She wanted to lie to herself, wrap herself up in her imagination and rewind the last couple of hours.

But, of course she couldn't. She wasn't a god who could manipulate time for their own benefits.

She couldn't even protect those precious to her.

Her blood-soaked hands pressed into her chest, holding herself together as she rocked slowly back and forwards on her knees. Her lower lip was clenched brutally between her teeth and it was the only thing that was keeping the gut-wrenching screams from ripping her apart.

It was too silent in the field, but she couldn't be the one to disturb it.

She wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to stop sobbing once she'd started.

Anger was there, cold and furious in her heart. If he hadn't been such a foolhardy idiot he might have been ok. If he hadn't been so stubborn maybe they could have stopped him. If she'd been a better medic, maybe she could have saved him. If only, if only, if only.

It was several minutes before she could breathe deeply enough to keep the nausea at bay, and several more minutes before she could bring herself to open her eyes and take in the destruction before her.

She immediately regretted it as her heart shattered and her vision blurred.

The wound in his stomach was one of the worst she had ever seen. His organs were pulled from his body and there was so much blood that the sea of grass around them was painted red. The same crimson that stained her arms, her knees, her face.

His face. His young, beautiful face that stared blankly up at the sky. His eyes were dark and lifeless and she swallowed a sob as she slowly dragged her hand over his eyes to gently close his lids. She couldn't handle seeing his eyes so blank. Taking another shaky breath, she glanced up at the man opposite her for the first time since they had fallen either side of the boy in time to witness his last moments.

His face spelt sleepless nights, months of burying himself under work and years of blaming himself for what happened. She knew immediately that he would never forgive himself for allowing this to happen to someone he loved.

She wanted nothing more than to lay in the dark and cry. She felt like destroying forests to release the rage that she held at having him taken from her, but she knew she wouldn't - there had been enough destruction. And anyway, she had to hold herself together. She was the one who kept her boys together, kept them safe from the world, themselves and each other when the time called for it. And now one of her precious boys were dead. So she was left to look after the boy in front of her, who had his face tipped back to the sky as tears dripped freely down his cheeks. She tried to call for him, but she couldn't voice the word. Instead, she reached out a hand to his cheek and lowered his face so his gaze met hers.

His blue eyes had never looked so sorrowful.

His calloused hand clutched hers against his face as he sobbed. They sat that way for several minutes, both crying quietly for their lost loved one. But soon, as she had feared would happen, anger got the best of Naruto. The Kyuubi's chakra was slowly ebbing to the surface, and his body shook from anger and sorrow. Cautiously, she moved her hand from his face to his arm as she tried to ground him, tried to keep him there with her because god knows she needed him right now. She couldn't be angry with him, though, when he wrenched himself from her grip and stood on weak legs. Fists balled at his sides and a red glow enveloping his body, he turned and stormed away with a swirl of his bloodied Hokage's cloak.

She could only stare at his retreating back as she battled with herself. She should go after Naruto, make sure he didn't hurt himself - or worse, someone else. But she couldn't leave him alone. She couldn't leave his body at the mercy of hunter nins or criminals who would relish the chance to use the body to provoke the Hokage in some way.

But then again, Naruto was still here and he was not.

With this thought in mind, she began to pull herself up reluctantly, but her shaking legs couldn't support her and as they buckled, she collapsed.

If the arm hadn't wrapped around her waist, she would have fallen flat on the ground and she probably wouldn't have been able to pull herself up for days. Her eyes slowly rose from the corpse to meet the eyes of the man who was staring at her in hidden worry. In a show of emotion that he rarely expressed, he brought her body against him and allowed her to sob quietly on his shoulder. She gripped his shirt tight and fought the tears, and she allowed herself to burrow into his calming presence for a moment before pulling away again. He watched her for second, then with one last squeeze of her hand and a glance at the body, he turned in the direction Naruto had left in, and started after him.

"I'll look after the dobe, you look after yourself," Sasuke ordered without turning back to face her, and she watched him leap away with heavy eyes.

This time though, she heard the footsteps behind her. Several gasps and the low whining of dogs filled the air, but she didn't turn. She simply stared down at the face of the boy she loved with all her heart and didn't look up even when a hand pressed heavy on her shoulder.

"Sakura," he began, then hesitated. After all, what was he to say? But he settled on an "I'm sorry."

It was genuine, and full of emotion, but both knew that they were still just words. Turning finally, she looked up at the face of her sensei. Kakashi's visible eye was sharp with concern and his mouth was pulled into a deep frown. She merely nodded, and he gently led her over to the group that stood several feet back.

Ino quickly swept her up into a tight hug, tears streaking down her own face, and Sakura did everything she could to not break down on her friend's shoulder. He had died protecting his teammates and she couldn't be prouder of him for the selflessness. She just regretted she hadn't had the chance to tell him just how proud she was.

Behind her, Hinata was wrapping the torn torso in bandages with more care than she granted the living, and Sakura couldn't help but feel gratitude for the favouritism. Shikamaru then crouched in the grass, and Kiba and Neji lifted the boy on to his back. Kakashi walked back over to the circle of girls, and cleared his throat in a nervous manner, but before he even opened his mouth, Sakura nodded. He would stay and make sure her remaining boys made it back safe.

So she followed her friends home in heavy silence, not releasing her grip on Ino's hand the entire way. And as she reached home, and the body was taken away to be cleaned up for the funeral, she found herself alone in the Hokage's office. She stood on the balcony, staring out at a Konoha that shined in golden light as she waited for her husband to return. She closed her eyes and focused on taking deep, even breaths.

Her son was dead, and nothing would ever be ok again.

A/N - So I wanted to try writing something more serious for a project i'm thinking about doing, so give me feedback! This was a quick one that I literally wrote on my lunch break at work, but if people like it I might do another chapter focusing more on Naruto/ the funeral. I didn't realise how difficult it would be to keep the identity a secret till the end, so I'm sorry i used the description 'boy' so many times haha!


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